Forgiveness and Boundaries

If Matthew 18:21-22 has ever been used against you when cutting a toxic person out of your life, I may have found something to bring you peace.

"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

This may sound like the perfect Christian would let people walk all over them. However, we don't see that example in Christ! We see Him set and hold boundaries. When He came into the country of Gergesenes, He cast devils out of a man and into the pigs. Then the whole city came out and started screaming at Him. Did He just forgive them and keep blessing them with miracles? No, He left. When Christ saw the moneychangers in the temple, did He say,"whatever, it's cool," and carry on? No! He chased them out!

If we look at these forgiveness verses in context, we see that earlier, He explained that we need to set boundaries: cutting off various parts of the body that offend thee. This, of course, is symbolism for casting out our friends or family who sin against us. Later, He tells us how to appropriately set boundaries in verses 15-17. Talk to your brother, try to work it out. If he will not hear you, include others in your efforts to work it out. If that fails, involve the church. If that fails, part ways.

Then comes Peter with his righteous question, and Christ sounds like He suddenly shifts gears and says we must always forgive. Here is the cool part. The word used for "forgive" in the original Greek is "aphiémi." This word does not strictly mean to forgive and forget. It means to send away, to leave, to forgive, to permit, to abandon. So I had to ask, why would Peter need to forgive so many times if there is this separation?

Anyone who has been wronged by someone they loved and held a boundary probably knows this answer. Forgiveness is a process. You can forgive someone and be triggered by something later on that brings up those feelings of hurt all over again. Then you must forgive again! It may take seventy times seven to finally get those hurt feelings out, but the peace that comes from forgiveness is worth it.

This does not mean we let people abuse us in the name of Christianity! Healthy boundaries and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive. Healthy boundaries give us time to heal and our offender time to repent. They keep us safe. Christ held boundaries, and we should, too.